Friendship on a Leash

If something requires effort, it’s the first sign of its impurity. If our mind looks simultaneously in two directions, there may be something shady. If a bond demands constant vigilance, it hints at underlying complexity. If our hearts waver, the connection might not be as authentic as it seems.

Dermot Mulroney and Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding, by Imdb

One of those questions inevitably left unanswered. One of those doubts that did, and will curse human psychology until the end of time. Can women and men just be friends? Well, if we were to give a look at our daily reality, it’d seem to be not only highly possible but also widespread. In every situation, women and men appear to be extremely capable of maintaining healthy and friendly relationships with each other, without falling into romantic cliches. But one doubt arises: is this a cordial and genuine coexistence or a smart cover that hides deeper and wilder impulses underneath? This article doesn’t aim to be the new Bible acting as a truth manual for all. Everyone has their own take on the matter—especially because we all have different experiences. Instead, my only intent today will be to make you reflect on the overall perspective of this story, leaving the conclusions to you.

The only times I’ve seen opposite-sex friendships happening, it was strictly related to specific situations. The first one is given by those who were basically brought up together. The boy and the girl who—since they were no more than children—went to school together. Most likely their families were really close to each other. Therefore, the children could develop a deep and meaningful bond. In that case, the possibility for a future romantic affair levels down to 0 because of the nature of the relationship itself. In simple words, how could we feel something for a boy or a girl who has acted as our own brother or sister? Of course, never say never but still, chances would be low. The other example is represented by those friends whose sexual orientations severely differ from each other. The world of Hollywood—specifically from the 80s up to the 2000s—smartly used the stereotype of the perfect friends-couple where she is heterosexual and he’s gay. Titles like Riverdale, Glee, Mean Girls, and The Devil Wears Prada are certainly no surprise in this case. This type of friendship truly embraces the most authentic meaning of what being friends stands for. The platonic love that makes us care about another person is what fills our hearts with love and joy. There is absolutely no misunderstanding in this scenario, as the sexual side of the story is shadowed by a true abstract love that has nothing material in it.

Anne Hathaway and Stanley Tucci in The Devil Wears Prada, Barry Wetcher/20th Century Fox

In any other situation, well, that misunderstanding I mentioned before might come out of the darkness. Let’s point out what being in a friendship actually means. For many, it’s about being there when the other person is most in need. It’s about reading between the lines when somebody says that everything is okay when clearly it’s not. It’s about being ourselves in the most free and pure expression of our identity. It’s about having no filter. No borders. No fears. All of this happens because we are immersed in an environment that makes us feel comfortable. It makes us feel at home even when we are not. But, now picture your opposite-sex best friend. Maybe attractive. Smart. Sensitive. Caring. And all the beautiful things they might have. How many times did it happen to you to simply undress in front of your friends in the preparation process for a night out, dinner, etc? You talk, and you try things on, while your friend sits on the bed. Would you do it? Did you do it? Freely? With no second thoughts? Maybe someone could suddenly think “This doesn’t feel appropriate.” Why? Because the other person might have the chance to see you in a different guise. The one who has always seen you in a friendly situation suddenly sees you defenseless. Or again, did it ever happen to you to be out for drinks with a close friend of yours and fall into the risk handed to you on a silver platter by alcohol and fun? The question we should ask ourselves now is: would it trigger anything in our minds? If there were a minimum level of physical and mental attraction in their regards, how would you see the situation?

Let’s start by stating a simple yet not banal fact. When we are friends with someone, there’s a mental alignment. Alignment of values. Of vision of life. Of aspirations. We like that person because we can actually talk about anything with them. As a friend, you’d get to listen to the most hidden secrets and dreams of someone. You’d tune up with that individual, meeting the soul before the person. But the story gets tangled up when the physical side comes into play. The mental connection will always lead the bond. There’s no doubt about that. How can we even think of jumping into any kind of relationship (friendly or romantic) if we are not a match when it comes to our minds? But when the exterior attraction enters the court, the doubts and problems arise. Appearance matters. We live on planet Earth and things are often judged by their covers. And this is particularly true when human relationships are concerned. The eye wants its part in it. And don’t get me wrong. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. But then, put together mental connection and physical attraction in the same room and you get a perfect lethal weapon for danger. That’s why falling for that same friend of yours would be much easier than you thought. The real question is: how could you not fall in love? Or how could you not have second thoughts? The human mind is beautiful because of its unpredictability and complexity. And whenever there’s hope and possibility, for some reason we never want to fully close that door. Because who knows? We’d have a situation so tense that you could literally cut it with a knife. And now, an example where the same possibility of something else can lead to the end of a friendship. Consider a situation where a couple of tight friends develop a profound respect and platonic love for each other. Now, add the physical touch to this picture but with one exception. This time, one of the two is not necessarily attracted to the other. But the second one is. What’s the outcome? A beautiful scale that all of a sudden is not so balanced after all. On one side we’d have an individual deeply into the other person. But on the opposite pole, we’d have a person who would be on the lookout for their own romantic experiences outside that friendship. Second outcome? Fractures. Jealousy. A ticking clock with an expiration/explosion date. A bond doomed to be broken.

Is there a recipe for how to master all relationships in life? Of course not—and thank God I might add. An existence without thrill and unpredictability would lead to a boring and already-written living. The heart obeys no one. It would be stupid to tell your emotions not to be turned on simply because it would lead nowhere. If you were afraid of how to treat your friendship with a person that fit the mold from before, sorry but here it is. You’d need to keep the brake on at all times. You’d need to control yourself but not excessively. You’d have to say things not misunderstandable in any way. You couldn’t cross certain borders. You’d need to pay attention to the level of intimacy you develop. You’d need control. Restriction. Diligence. Composure. You’d better be aware of the danger lurking in the darkness of every corner. Moral of the story: could we call this true friendship? A bond where you’d always have the feeling that—if you wanted to—something could happen any second. Could we call authentic friendship something that would involve effort into not making it too friendly? Probably someone could. That’s why I’d like to call it friendship on a leash.