What Men Want
What Women Want is a famous romantic comedy movie where Mel Gibson plays the role of an advertising executive who stumbles upon the power to hear what women think, using it to his advantage. Now, let’s imagine a sequel was to come out soon, focusing on what men wanted instead. What is it that they want in love?
Mel Gibson in What Women Want, 2000, Paramount Pictures.
In the movie, Nick Marshall (Mel Gibson) can listen to women’s most secret and deeper thoughts, tailoring his behavior accordingly. Imagine if you had a “How to do” manual on how to conquer someone else’s heart. What would you do with it?
For any single doubt, there would be a solution.
For any single time you’d feel insecure, you wouldn’t feel like that anymore. In the case of the movie - even if we’re talking fantasy here - Nick could listen to precise thoughts because women knew exactly what they wanted - at least in love. They knew exactly when they needed a compliment, rather than a smile or a look. They were aware of what they were looking for in a man: trust, respect, appreciation. They seemed to be way more confident than men were because they were clear in their minds in the first place. Women - generally speaking - know what they want out of relationships. It could be different for each individual, but most of the time it’s about stability. They prefer having someone who they know will be there for a long time and who’s reliable, rather than someone who’s a ticking bomb.
At some point, all women will have to make a choice - as for the male gender - deciding where to stand. They will have on one hand the chance to have fun and experiment and on the other the possibility to settle down once they’ve found the perfect match. But notice that all of this happens with them being 100% conscious of their choices. But what about men? Would they be as clear as them in their heads? If we had the chance, would we be able to detect their most profound desires and goals? Well, we’re here for that.
Let’s start with an understated assumption.
Men and women have always been taught how to behave, what roles to fill. Even if today - thank God - we are all way freer than ever before to decide ourselves what to be and who to be, for a long time things have stayed the same. For decades and centuries these two genders have been led in the direction everybody agreed they should have taken. Women have always been depicted as the ones taking care of their families and consequently giving up on their dreams and aspirations. They have always been taught to find themselves a good husband who could take care of them and their children.
At the same time, men knew as well who to be. Husbands, fathers, family “owners”. They had to provide for others because they had the chance in the first place. They had positions of power and authority which gave them enough confidence to do what they wanted. Women knew that within relationships they had to play a specific role spearheaded by loyalty and a stand-by attitude. They weren’t allowed to have affairs outside of marriage because that would have tainted their reputation forever. Men instead had to interpret a role in which they were powerful, attractive, and masculine while giving no space to emotions. But all of this history didn’t die alone. Even if - as we said previously - things have changed and equality is one of the leading drivers of today’s life, we can still see traces of previous times.
At the beginning of this piece, we imagined a scenario where the movie was catapulted into a new situation where men were the objects of observation and not women. But - as we mentioned a few lines back - would men know what they truly wanted? If I asked you what you wanted in life, would you be able to give me a quick and clear answer? I seriously doubt that. But it’s fair to - at least - hand you all a straight explanation. In a way, men have always been “victims” of how society has portrayed them for centuries, filling their egos and making them feel heartless, bold, and vagina-addicted. If we were to close our eyes - when asked about a profile persona - we’d probably picture a well-dressed, asshole, and horny individual. The male gender has been taught to think of itself according to that portrait just drawn, which placed an insane amount of influence on the way all men saw the perception of themselves. If you will, this influence they received soon turned itself into pressure. And that pressure turned itself into fear. Fear of failing. Fear not to be enough. Fear not to meet expectations. Life itself showed the way we all should have been. From movies to books, all leading characters were good-looking people who spent most of their time chasing women and using their charm and elegance as their main seduction weapon. Playing this part filled their hearts with joy and excitement, making them feel powerful. They felt strong because they were the ones doing the chasing, while women were the sought-after prey. Let’s think about Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love, teaching the secrets of seduction to his older apprentice eager to experience love in untapped forms. How cool was he? Definitely charming, sexy, and confident. But you know what? All this superficiality was there to cover a hole inside. What seemed to be confidence and coolness was nothing more than insecurity and lack of identity.
Ryan Gosling and Steve Carell in Crazy Stupid Love, photography by Ben Glass, Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.
Men never had stability because they didn’t have time to look for it. They were too focused on chasing something that would never have been theirs. When they had a family, all they searched for was an escape to evade all that monotony. And when they didn’t have a family, all they looked for was someone to be attached to. They have been playing a game in which they were doomed to lose from the start without even knowing it.
And today, this is sadly part of our society.
We still have grown-ups and teenagers chasing an idea of love and relationship that they have no clue what it looks like. They move from side to side hoping someday the answer will come to them.
When they find the perfect girl, there’s always something wrong. Too kind. Too flat. Too good for me. Too nice that I don’t deserve her. Blah. Blah. Blah. This happens for a simple reason that sometimes we don’t want to see because it tells us straight to our face what we don’t want to hear.
We part ways when we realize women are way more confident, and secure than we are. We soon see reality for what it really is, looking at the real shape of things and we freak out. We cannot bear the thought of standing by someone who knows what they want. It becomes a duel and we sure as hell don’t want to risk losing it, don’t we? Therefore we come up with well-constructed and totally believable fantasies to cover reality. The other scenario is when men jump from bed to bed, hoping they’ll find the perfect match. In this case, they don’t fancy the instability of these girls, because all of a sudden they realize it is a serious relationship that they want. They cannot stand finding similar people being undecided as well about what to want in life because in that very second they realize that uncertainty is not for them. As you can see, it’s a game not worth playing. Do you know what the problem is? It’s called indecisiveness. The truth is they are not able to make a decision yet. Remember when we were saying before that women know when it comes the time to pick a side and stick to it? Well, men don’t. They can’t decide because they don’t want to. And the reason is that they don’t want to settle for something they think is not worth their value. They think so highly of themselves that they don’t want to risk living a life that doesn’t fly as high as their expectation of it.
What to do then?
Pick a side. Make up your mind. Life will always be like this. There’s no perfect formula. There’s no such thing as living exactly the way we want. There’ll always be things we don’t like that - whether we accept it or not - will become part of our existence. Picking a side is not a synonym for settling down or surrendering. Acknowledging the fact that life is a mixture of giving, taking, good, and bad is a sign of strength. Of maturity. Of showing the world that we can accept reality for what it is and still make the most out of it. Continuously passing from one side to the other will get you nowhere. On the contrary, it will increase the instability of your thoughts even more. Prepare yourself because sooner or later it will come the day you’ll be called to take a stand for something you truly believe in. But keep in mind that nobody will ever come to you expecting an answer. Simply because the person you’ll owe a response to will be no one but yourself.
