Remote Love
Distance can strengthen relationships and make passion even more ardent. Or it can weaken a bond already damaged by the physical absence. It’s up to us to look at ourselves and either accept or escape the truth.
Scene from Emily in Paris, season 1
If you googled long-distance relationships, thousands of results would pop up. Several would be articles dedicated to the matter, handing out suggestions on how to make them work. But is there such a thing as a simple list of things to tick? Would they help make your relationship work? We can’t be sure, as any single bond is different. Different are the circumstances, as well as the intensity of the link between two people. Therefore, the answer, at least in my opinion, is: nope, there’s no formula to help you crack the code. But then, anyway, we must acknowledge the feasibility of those options. In fact, it’s definitely not a bad idea to make continuous video calls, perhaps while doing usual and simple things like cooking, eating, reading, etc. Sometimes, it’s not even mandatory to talk. What’s important is to keep the normality of the relationship alive. Netflix, back in the 2020 pandemic, handed a pretty useful tool at our disposal, that allowed us to watch movies together, even if apart. By sharing the same link and looking at the same film, we felt that closure we all desperately needed. It’s crucial to talk about our daily lives. And, remember that every single detail matters. Try to set up regular visits so that we don’t forget about the physical side of the relationship. Surprise each other with unexpected gifts so that we can still feel the thrill of being seduced and cared about. Don’t absolutely be afraid to sext and show that you still need sex to be part of the bond. These are only some of the suggestions Google provided us with. And don’t get me wrong, you are absolutely free to apply them, as nobody is saying they can’t work. What you should keep in mind though is the awareness of the nature of your own relationship. Start from understanding the intensity of the passion at the roots of the bond. Do you need to see each other daily, setting pre-scheduled calls? Would they end up being dull?
Understanding where we’re at.
The point to be made at this point is to understand the stage we all are at. Life has changed. We do value things we never even considered before. We pay way more attention to ourselves and our happiness. We tried to discover new triggers that could keep us going, by tapping into new sports and new physical activities for example. Some of us tried tennis, padel, boxing, running, and many others. We reserved a considerable amount of attention to our free time. Some joined cooking classes while others decided it was the right time to learn how to surf. The travel industry skyrocketed because of the growing demand for new breathtaking experiences. All of a sudden, we opened our eyes and saw, as if it was the first time, the beauty of the world. Each one of us dealt with our persona and looked right into the mirror. We realized we needed to enjoy life to the fullest because we couldn’t let work dictate the range of possibilities we could pursue. We prioritized our own well-being over others. After this short yet essential detour, how do you see the match between a long-distance relationship that requires effort and commitment with a rising urge to live an existence fueled by the curiosity of having new groundbreaking experiences? Would they collide? Would they not?
Energy, commitment, and effort.
Let’s start by saying that long-distance relationships are the clearest example that goes under the definition of commitment. We could call it that or even effort. Just like an athlete who goes to the practice facility every single day and puts sweat on the court, the same happens in this scenario. To get something, we need to work hard. And every single detail or day does make the difference. But what does it mean to commit? What does it mean to give our best to make relationships work? Well, it’s about energy. Scheduling daily calls, booking flights, finding things to talk about, and not letting the distance get to your nerves are all things that consume us to the bones. Even if for the majority, this is not a physical effort we need to put in, it’s still a mental and psychological process we undergo. But then again, energy means also knowing how to allocate it. And inevitably, other things in our daily lives take shape and influence the rest of our existence. Let’s imagine being abroad for work and having a job for which you must show responsibility and passion; on top of that, imagine having a second commitment to carry on to your girlfriend or boyfriend. Do they align? Does one overshadow the other? Because, whether we fancy it or not, it’s also about priorities. Different phases of life bring a different set of priorities and goals. Young professionals could probably prefer building up careers instead of preserving relationships. But for the majority now, as we said already, work is not a priority anymore. So what does get in conflict with the love for another person? Experiences, the joy of life, and the pleasure of the thrill. Who doesn’t want to go see the world? But how can we combine that with a commitment that takes us straight to planet Earth? Also, in this case, it’s still about energy and prioritization. Do you prefer spending energy on new things that could potentially lead anywhere? Or instead for the relationship you’re in? In this case, we could look at relationships as cages that keep us trapped. One way or the other, it could be something holding you back from discovering new things. New soulmates. New friends. New opportunities. New house. New everything. And you will not know until you let go of what is keeping you there. There’s no good or bad answer here, just a simple yet hurtful self-reflection.
Who are we?
The second point instead concerns our personality. If we consider being the kind of person open to experiences, instability, and uncertainty, probably the answer to the previous question will be: I prefer spending energy somewhere else outside the relationship. This happens because some people actually enjoy being on the run and being open to unpredictability. Probably we tend to believe in the story of the so-called “if something must happen, it will.” Others are just not ready to commit to a distance that gives us no guarantees. These are the human beings who need stability but who simultaneously value even more the logistical barriers in front of us. And then we have the opposite edge, represented by those who do need stability and certainty. But here, a simple minute of clear thinking is needed. Do we commit to the other person because of our need for stability? Meaning that we kinda use the other person for our own serenity and well-being. And this happens when we are not so confident in ourselves and we are afraid to keep going. That’s why we need the polar star that can get us back home safe and sound. Or do we do that because we actually can’t live without that person? The result is the same, but the reason why we do things does change everything.
Courtesy of Emily in Paris
Remote love, just like remote working, gives us plenty of options. There are thousands of pros and cons to keep in mind. All the questions you’ve seen so far don’t necessarily need answers. Because I know that sometimes it’s difficult to say things out loud. What it’s important to do here is to meditate. Take 10 minutes. An hour. A thousand hours. But just think about those questions and navigate them until you land somewhere. Ask yourself what you really want and who you want to be. Those are the two defining questions people will keep on asking for the rest of your lives. Use those as a trigger to dig deep into your mind. As I said already, even if the result may look the same, the reasons why we do things can change our entire perspective.
