Attachment Styles
My orange room in the university dorm, Rotterdam, summer 2023. The days were like a liquid, flowing through one another in a loop of timeless confusion. After a turbulent breakup, I often found myself in bed, scrolling numbly through TikToks of many raging women just like me at that time—modern therapy. One day, the algorithm divulged to me who I had been dealing with when the POVs all started to sound like "not another attachment-avoidant man."
Sex and the City (1998) / HBO
This is when I buried my head into the world of attachment styles, trying to learn who exactly I was dealing with and (embarrassed to admit) how I could match their style and desperately fix the relationship. When did everyone learn about the four attachment styles? I was way past my premature dating, juggling the characteristic expectations of a relationship between grown-ups. I thought my occasional anxious reactions were manufactured by past trauma (partly true), but it somehow didn’t occur to me that it can fade away if I find someone with the same attachment as mine. While not paying much attention to my partner’s surroundings, what relationships he had with friends and family, my eyes were covered by the bittersweet honeymoon phase, and I didn’t even catch a glimpse of his emotional state. I will take the blame because this isn't new. The attachment theory started its development in the 20th century by John Bowlby (psychiatrist) and Mary Ainsworth (psychologist). They concluded that the bonding you can experience in the relationships throughout your life is determined by your first relationship and the love you received in it. This usually means the translation of the care you have been shown by your parents to your attachment style in future relations. Mind you, my personal experience whispers to me that your family relationship can be as equally responsible for this as the first romantic relationship or first friendships. Coming from a yellow house with perennial affection and care, my first experience in the whirlwind of the dating world resulted in my unlucky attachment style. My attachment style is Anxious attachment style. Uncertainty that people will stay, anxiety over people leaving if they haven’t showered you with love expressions in the past few hours, endless love bombing is what people with this attachment style need daily. Think of people like the character Clementine Kruczynski from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and how her fear of rejection and emotional baggage are a great portrayal of her attachment style. People who can relate to this style have usually received inconsistent showcasing of love and care either from their caregiver or first relationships. When this has left you feeling anxious over when you’re going to find that person in a good or rejecting mood, the stress of it has been anchored in the way you react to people who try to be around you. Often described as clingy, as a “weakness of character”, insecure, the Anxious attachment person is simply frazzled.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) via Roger Ebert
The attachment style of that boy who left me heinously confused was Avoidant attachment style. Wary of closeness, buried in their independence, people with this style can go beyond borders to avoid emotional connection with others. Sebastian Wilder (La La Land) is an example of a character with this style when he first struggles to open up to Mia and values his independence and personal pursuits as a main priority. Lack of intimacy and coldness, only through strenuous work, but I could have seen it coming when I heard that he rarely makes time for friends and family since he loves his job more than sex.
La La Land (2016) via New York Times
The heartbreaking Disorganized attachment style (aka fearful-avoidant) can be observed as an intense fear of emotional connection to others due to trauma. People with this style can believe that they don’t deserve love, they can get confused in a relationship, leading to controlling behavior and mistrust. You may crave love, yet you are never sure whether you deserve it or not. Jess Mariano, the character from Gilmore Girls, guards his feelings and tries to resist emotional intimacy. In the series, we find out that this is his response to his rough past and unwelcoming family atmosphere that makes him run away. Just like a chain, if you were taken care of by people who were piling up trauma themselves, it can easily pass on to you, resulting in this attachment style.
Milo Ventimiglia in Gilmore Girls (2000) / IMDb
Back in 2023, there was something liberating in those TikToks I was scrolling through, explaining to me that it wasn’t my fault but our mutual emotional baggage simply not fitting in the same suitcase. I moved out of that orange room and moved into a blue one with my current boyfriend, but the blues are gone. That is exactly when I realized that my anxious attachment style can be easily soothed in the right hands. He showed me the fourth, long-lost for me, attachment style. The Secure attachment style is the one people have when you see them in a thriving relationship. Boundaries are set yet love is more secure than ever, their emotional balance is a bliss for their partner. And I will tell you the secret— infinite communication. With yourself and the hellscape you need to jump over, with your partner and their needs and wounds. Building this style for yourself is not only productive for all relationships in your life, it can be a premonition of a healthy attachment style to the people you might decide to take care of one day. It was about time to find my securely attached Aiden and to stop running after Mr. Big who, let’s face it, simply romanticized toxic and insecure attachment in a relationship. While relationships always require work, with the right person, it’s simply healthy work on yourself.
